Dennis and I recently went to Greenville, SC (thanks to Mom for driving 8+ hours and for watching Joshua for us) ... to partake in our first annual Foster Parent Conference. Every Foster parent needs 15 hours a year of continuing education training and this conference (2 days long) gave us 10 of those credits. The classes were wonderful! We met several really nice folks, and really had a fun time learning more about the needs of kids in Foster care.
Our first class was called:
Relationships in 3D. It was taught by Lisa Fields who is the director of Education and training, Prevent Child Abuse South Carolina. This was a 3 hour class. In the lecture, she described the different "love languages" of a child and also the "two sides of love". It was very informative!
The five love languages are:
Physical touch: A tender hug communicates love to every child, but for the one whose primary love language is physical touch, it screams "I love you". A slap on the face is hard for any child to take, but for this child it is even worse!
How to relate to a person with physcial touch:
Communication: A lot of nonverbals
Actions: Touch, hugs, pats, kisses
What to avoid: Physical neglect and abuse
Quality Time: May be the hardest of the love languages to provide, often our time is a limited commodity. Quality time involves focused attention which will create memories for that child for a lifetime. Activities are not as important as the time that you give to this child who's primary love language is quality time.
How to relate to a preson with Quality time:
Communication: One on one time, not interrupted. Face to face conversations
Actions: Taking long walks together, taking trips, doing things together (playing games).
What to avoid: Long periods of being apart. More time with friends than with significant other.
Words of Affirmation: Verbal compliments and appreciative words speak love deeply. Children think we deeply believe what they say.
Children can detect motive and insincerity, no bull allowed!
Once you learn to speak your child's primary love language, you increase the effectiveness of your communication with your child.
How to relate to a person with words of Affirmation:
Communication: Compliments, kind words
Actions: Sending notes and cards
What to avoid: Criticism
Gift Giving: A TRUE gift is not payment for services rendered.
Not all gifts come from a store: Bake something, make something ... from the heart! A "thoughtful" gift means so much to this person who's primary love language is gift giving. It shows them that they are loved.
How to relate to a person with gift giving:
Communication: Positive fact based information
Actions: Giving gifts on special occasions and not so special occasions
What to avoid: Forgetting special days! This is a BIG "no-no" for someone who's primary love language is gift giving. Imagine how hurt, how unloved they will feel if you forget THEIR Birthday!
And finally ... (and although we each have a "primary" love language / all of these things show us love and make us feel loved, but one stands out for each of us) ...
Acts of Service: Do not use acts of service as a means to manipulate.
Attitude is everything; do the service in a loving fashion.
Take advantage of the "ordinary" acts of service that you already perform by helping your child see you do this because you LOVE them.
How to relate to a person with acts of service:
Communication: Action words like "I can," "I will" ...
Actions: Helping with house and yard chores. Acts of kindess
What to avoid: Ignoring significant other's requests while helping someone else!
The Five Love Languages / Children: by Gary Chapman
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Understanding Personality TYPES: by Gary Smalley
Relationships are the most valuable things in our lives ... yet we spend more time and effort understanding our universal remote controls than we do trying to understand ourselves much less understanding the people in our lives. There is no "one size fits all" formula for making relionships work / but there are some "tools" that we can all master in order to understand our loved ones better.
There are several types of personality indicator tests ... this one is simple.
LIONS: Born leaders. They like to accomplish things with immediate results. Their time frame is now! This personality style is decisive. They want reader's Digest length communications (bullet points please) instead of too much information. They often feel threatened by too many questions. They are not affraid of confrontation. Their emotional needs are: Loyalty, a sense of control, credit for good work, and achievement. This personality style was built for accomplishment.
BEAVERS: They keep a close watch on their emotions. They actually READ instructions books. They like to make careful decisions. This personaity style likes using their critical thinking skills to solve problems. Their motto is "Let's do it right!". They often turn ager inward and tend to focus on the past. Their emotional needs are: Sensitivity, support, space, and silence. This personality style was built for accuracy.
OTTERS: They just want to have fun! They are great at motivating others to action. This personality style tends to avoid the fine print; very optimistic, they focus on the future. They tend to avoid confrontation at all costs. They are tremendous net-workers and very susceptible to peer pressure. Their emotinal needs are: Attention, affection, approval, and acceptance. This personality style was built for fun.
GOLDEN RETRIEVERS: Above all, this type of person is LOYAL. They have a strong need for close relationships and have a deep need to please others. Their hearts are full of compassion. This personality style defines the word adaptable, although they often react to sudden changes. They hold stubbornly to what they feel is right. Their emotional needs are: Peace and quiet, feeling of self-worth, lact of stress, and respect. This personality type was built for comfort.
Each of us have a PRIMARY personality type and a SECONDARY style. When the two styles come together, we each have a "personality blend". These natural components of individualtiy are blended with our socioeconomic sitation, birth order, and other nurturing elements to help us to be the person we are.
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